Why……How…….
Have you ever been witness to a kid in a “why” questioning loop with their parents or an adult? First, it brings a smile to your face and the longer it lasts, you can find yourself laughing. Mainly we’re laughing because you’re an observer and not a participant trying to answer all the why questions. I’m always amazed with the persistency of the child. They go at it like their life rests on getting answers. Have you noticed, kids don’t ask “how” over and over again? I sense the “how” is more an adult question. Here’s my question, when we were kids, we all did this, so when did we stop asking the “why” question as adults? When did we make the transition from asking “why” to now mainly asking “how” questions?
Not everybody stopped the “why” questioning practice. There are some who saw the true value of always asking why and exactly when to ask “how”. I sense over time some of you have learned that there’s a process around engaging to gain insight. There are some strong Leaders who have developed this into a skill and it’s aided them greatly in their own self-development and the growth of their company. I’m sure saying this has peaked some curiosity. Many are wondering, process, what process? These leaders and individuals have not only the clarity of understanding the value in asking “why” questions of those around them, but they ask “why” questions of themselves. They will and do ask the-”why” question of themselves as a means to gain insight when things are not going well OR when things are going well.
To those who are wondering, let’s first look at it differently. A child asks the “why” question out of wonderment and the need to understand. When we were kids asking why, we were probing and trying to understand the order of things, the world, and often times, our place in the world. We didn’t want the watch built, we wanted to know why we worried about time and what time meant. In the “how” questioning mind as kids, we would want to know how the watch was built. I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid, I wanted to know the time when I looked at my watch (I needed to be home when mom said to be home). I didn’t care how Timex built my watch. Somehow as adults we’ve become “how” question minded. I also believe “why” questioning is more inward focused and hence, riskier. Riskier in that we might not like what we see in ourselves. It tends to reinforce taking personal responsibility and accountability. Whereas “how” thinking is more outward focused and less risky. In the “outward” world it’s more focused on what others didn’t do. It removes personal accountability and responsibility from you. In the “how” world, finger pointing is the name of the game.
So, which one are you? Are you a “why” question asking leader/individual OR are you a “how” question asking leader/individual?” This is an extremely difficult question, would you agree? I don’t think many of us have given much thought to the area of asking questions and whether or not the process we use gets us the results we want. So, if you’re not asking the right type of questions, are you getting the truthful and needed information and insight to be successful? I sense there are still a few critics out there that this doesn’t make much difference in interactions. Here are a few thoughts to ponder:
WHY questions:
- Feels personable and gives off a sense that you’re genuinely interested in whatever they will say You’re not assigning blame or fault.
- Give you clarity and look at the choice tree (the “choice tree” is a view of all the choices available to us in any given situation) of yourself or an individual. The objective is to understand if we only look at the choices we like and are comfortable with OR are we open to all choices. If you can understand the “choice” tree you can/may gain much needed insight into where and how they landed where they did.
- Forces an inward view first and an outward view only if warranted.
- Team members learn difficult conversation are growth opportunities, i.e. a “teachable moment”.
- Creates “victors” mentality.
HOW questions:
- Feel cold and blaming. Feel like you want them to fall on their sword for you.
- Recipient will learn very quickly you don’t care about their choice tree, you’re simply there to blame someone and take heat off yourself.
- Set it up that you’re blameless.
- Are all outward focused and team members learn very quickly, these are not growth sessions, but “blaming” sessions.
- Creates “victims”.
As you know by now, my weekly blog comes from my observations of life, my personal experiences, conversations with friends and family, etc. I was thinking back through some recent conversation and it dawned on me that we ask more “how” versus “why” questions. I believe it’s an “unconscious” event, meaning we do it without thinking. If you go back and read through my blogs, you will notice I focus my writings on asking you to be more “conscious” of what you do and how you behave. You can only fix what you acknowledge.
My blog this week is exposing you to a tool we all left in our childhood, the wonderment of asking why and gaining clarity and purpose of the “how” question. In prior blogs I’ve discussed Self-Awareness, Self-development and Personal Growth and how hard and messy they are to do and achieve, but I believe it’s the one and only way to develop into a better person and a better leader. The journey is not for everyone to take. I realize that many of you like what you read here. At some level you get it, and to some degree are seriously thinking about taking the steps to be something more than what you are today. I’ve been on my journey for over 30+ years and I’m far from done. Another part of your growth is vulnerability and for most that’s a very scary deal. Remember, the “why” questioning is an “inward” process and looking “inward” is not something we like doing. Vulnerability is sharing with others who you are. My vulnerability is that I’ve shared you some of my personal fears and struggles. My fears of being black in America today and my wife’s fear that me out running an errand could end up with a police officer knocking on our door with news she doesn’t want to hear. The struggles my parents endured with blatant racism, the KKK, Jim Crow Laws. My mother being spit on because she tried to board a bus before a white man wanted to get on – this they endured just to improve their lives and that of their children. Their belief that one day in the future, we would live in a color-blind world and the playing field would be even for all. I didn’t share these personal stories with you for your pity, but to demonstrate my growth and my journey. In times where it seems like people are abandoning their core values, I ask that you not abandon yours. Don’t compromise your values and belief in the name of loyalty.
Earlier this week I passed a milestone, I now have over 20,000 blog views in 13 countries outside of the USA. For me, this is exciting and far beyond what I expected! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog this week. If you’re a “return reader”, thank you! If you’re new this week, I hope you enjoyed your read; that you found it valuable and that you’ll return. Please feel free to visit my blog, Play It Forward on WordPress – https://lifeslearnings.home.blog/ My Company is GreyBull Consulting and my focus is on Coaching/Mentoring Leaders and others looking for personal growth. Please visit my blog and become a follower.
