This is a phrase I’ve heard a lot over the last few weeks, as well as during my career. I’ve heard this a lot. I hear it when a “conflict” is on the horizon and the person who made this statement is trying very hard to avoid a conflict and/or start a conflict or hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve seen it used as a “set-up” line; the speaker is setting up an uncomfortable topic. So, when someone says these words to you, how do you feel? How do you take what’s coming next? Here’s how it feels to me:
- You think you just said something that you fear will upset me, so you say, “don’t take it personally,” but;
- You made a negative comment on something I did, so you say, “don’t take it personally,” but;
- You’re about to challenge me on something I was involved with, so you say, “don’t take it personally.; but or
- You’re about to give me feedback on my performance and your goal is to avoid a debate, you say, “don’t take it personally,” but…
Let me be clear, everything you say to me I take personally. My question back to this statement is a simple one, “Can you clarify for me what you mean when you say, “don’t take it personally?” The question will usually cause a bewildered look on their face. Next will come the look of, uh, I don’t know why I said that. Most of you will let it go at that. LET’S PAUSE FOR A SECOND……you are being presented with an opportunity to set boundaries of what’s acceptable in your relationship with this person. Here’s a suggested route to take –
- When an adult says I don’t know to me they will get one of 2 responses – (1) “Since you’re over the age of 2, saying I don’t know is not an acceptable answer, so take a few minutes and answer my question, why did you say “don’t take it personally?” (2) When an adult says I don’t know to me I hear, I do know, and I don’t want to talk about. Well, today, we’re going to talk about, so, why did you say, “don’t take it personally?”
- If you take the route of asking these types of questions, do yourself a big favor, don’t save them from answering the question. Sit in complete silence till they answer your question. If need be, tell them you’re leaving the room and will return when they are prepared to answer your question. Do not let them off the hook.
“Why should I not take it personally?” I will always follow-up with this statement, “If I don’t take it personally, what you’re about to say or what you’ve said already, why should I take the time to listen? Why should you take the time to listen? Taking things personally means you will take the time to process and decide how you feel about what has been said. All of this happens in less than 30 seconds and you’ll know very quickly how you feel – Mad, Sad, Glad Lonely, Hurt and/or Afraid. It’s a relatively simple process. When someone says to me “don’t take it personally”; what I feel they are doing is trying to manipulate me not to feel a certain way. So, are they helping you or is the objective to protect themselves? I have a sense it’s not about you. The goal is to protect themselves.
“Don’t take it personally” I view as a “throw away” comment. Here’s another one you hear sometimes. I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I wanted to share with you an idea……..Now, I know how most people react, they ignore the statement, but my mind goes someplace totally different; so, if you’re not the sharpest knife, why would I want to hear you idea? Honestly, when someone or if you lead off with those words, are you really expecting anyone to pay attention to anything they or you are about to say? The real question to be asked is why, why are you choosing to introduce your contributions in such a way that most probably won’t be listened to? As stated above, 85-90% of the people you’re meeting won’t hear or pay attention to your intro statement, but 10-15% are listening. For the 10-15% you just framed that they don’t have to listen to you, and it says that even you doubt that what you’re about say is of any value. How about this one, “You don’t have to listen to me, but……” Now, why would I listen to you after that lead in? You’re giving people permission to ignore you and not listen to you.
From this week’s blog my goal is for you to walk away with 2 key skills that will require your constant use to develop. The first, the power of actively and attentively listening to the spoken word. I feel most of us zoom in/out of conversations. We listen for key words that tell us it’s time to pay attention and with this, our focus tends to be on what we’re going to say. So, in other words, our focus is our response versus attentively listening to everything that is being said to fully understand not only what’s being said, but the person whose speaking. Listen for those “throw away comments” and understand how it plays into what’s being said. The second area is the incredible power of silence. For most of us this is one of the hardest skills to master and very few do indeed master it. Why is it so hard? We literally hate silence in any conversation we are a part of. I believe we’re compelled to try to save people from the difficulties they are facing. We need to allow people the dignity of their struggle. They are experiencing personal growth. Remember, growth comes from discomfort. This person has learned that saying “I don’t know” had earned him/her a pass in most conversations. They are accustomed to people saving them. No one has believed in them enough to say; I’m going to wait in silence for you to answer this question. The answer is important to you, but the growth for the person is more important.
This week’s blog ties back to several of my past blogs – Relationship Assessment, Change=Loss and Conflict Avoidance or Accountability Avoidance. My blog this week was purposeful to create some discomfort for you. I get it that its hard to challenge others on their words or lack of words when asked difficult and uncomfortable questions. It’s critically important that you master the skill of silence. Your growth lies in your ability and your willingness to experience discomfort and achieve growth. As you challenge those in your life, the relationships will evolve and change. Some are willing to experience this growth with you; others will want no part of it, and this will drive loss and grieving for you. This too is a part of your Self Awareness journey. Good leaders are great listeners and they will challenge you and exercise patience with you in your struggles as you make the journey. Tomorrow when you’re doing what you do, take a trained eye and look around you. Start taking note and paying more attention to what’s around you. Just sit, free your mind, listen and observe, you’ll be amazed at what you’ll learn. Life isn’t always about talking.
Once again, I want to thank you for being on my journey. If this is a return visit to my blog, thank you. If this is your first read, welcome and I hope you’ll visit my blog and read my other postings. GreyBull Consulting LLC is my company and I specialize in Personal/Leadership Coaching. I feel that part of the role as a Coach is to discuss critical skills – the skills discussed in my blog this week will require 2 things from you – 1) Courage and 2) Patience. As a Coach there are internal journeys one must take for your own self-awareness of who you are and from where you come. If you’re prepared to partner with a Coach who will rattle your world and not just tell you’re great and hand you a bill, give me call.
I truly hope that sharing my life’s learning and observations with you is assisting you on your journey of Self-Awareness. If you have something to share with me or you’re seeking a Coach, drop me n email. If you enjoy my blog – Play It Forward, please visit my page on WordPress and become a follower. If you become a follower, you’ll receive a notification whenever I post something new. My link is: https://lifeslearnings.home.blog/
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